I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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