I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
