its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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