I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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