youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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