If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.