I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.