i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.