My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
