I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
