im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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