Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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