He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
