My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
