I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I feel like abortions should bother me more
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
