im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
