You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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