rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
