I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
