My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
