i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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