Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
