Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
