i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
she told me i tasted like america
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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