I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
