Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
