I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
