I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
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After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
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i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
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