god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
