i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
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Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
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my nose is crying tears of wow.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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