You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
