new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
