The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
