You were right. It hurts to walk today.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Sorry about my life...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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