I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I met the friendliest cop last night
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
