btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
