I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
