Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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