my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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