How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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