If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
