I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It's shark week go big or go home
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
