he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
