the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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