I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
