Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
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I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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