I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
