Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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