Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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