I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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