Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm bleeding and have questions
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
