Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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