Her vagina should come with caution tape.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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