i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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