I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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