You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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