dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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